Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
