I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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