he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
