I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
