i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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