There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
