The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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