He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i dont even know how to be here
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
