Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He called his prostate his "boner button".
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
