I wanna bring you to show and tell
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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