i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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