What did we do last night that was yellow?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
be right there i have to get my cape
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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