Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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