It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
