the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize