just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
