Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
