Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
