so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
