Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize