his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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