Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
