So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
