Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We left an ass print on the piano.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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