I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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