i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
