There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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