wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Randomize
