insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize