my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
