my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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