Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
