It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
