So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
