dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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