My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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