She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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