So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
