i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
