my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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