lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
