I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I checked into jail on foursquare
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It's never too late to be topless.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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