just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
