This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
