i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
