saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize