I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Even the bartender felt bad for me
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
