She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Randomize