I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
