I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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