So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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