I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
