So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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