she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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