Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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