Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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