i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
