woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
