She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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