i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
