omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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