New low: just hacked my moms facebook
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
