Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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