Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
