I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I think I am morally bankrupt
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
