She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize