Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
If I had your ass I would rule the world
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
