apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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