my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i think i have two assholes
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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