I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize