Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
