I'm going to jail i love you
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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